Going Shopping

Over the past 7 months after coming out to our family and friends, Rachel and I have started moving forward with our lives in some big ways. I feel like I was stuck in a holding pattern for so many years, not really able or willing to think too far in the future about what I wanted my life to look like because of the irreconcilable nature of our relationship and the church. I couldn't imagine a future without Rachel, but I couldn't imagine a life without the church, and so I just stopped my brain from thinking too much about it. Now, that's all changed, and it's been one of the biggest changes and blessings of the past year. I don't feel like I'm waiting at all for my life to begin. I can find joy in the present, but I can also look forward to a future full of those things that I want. What all of that leads us to, is that Rachel and I are starting a family together. Not only are we now truly, and in every sense of the word that matters to me, each other's family, we're also working to expand our family. And that is why we spent the other night shopping... for sperm.

It's an interesting experience trying to find the genetic material that you want to be in your offspring via a website, profile pictures, and information reminiscent of online dating profiles... plus some extensive medical histories, and a high level of anonymity. It's like sorting through products on Amazon, except this time it's deciding preferences on how tall should the donor be? How about hair color? Eye color? Educational background? Ethnic background? Profession? Want to hear an interview with the donor? Okay. Want to see the medical history of his entire family, including cousins? No problem. Want to see what he looked like as a child? Click here. Now decide- whose genes do you want to make a baby with? Kindof a surreal experience that I didn't anticipate having a year ago.

I've finished an extensive round of tests and was informed that aside from a lack of sperm, there's no reason why I'm not already pregnant- so that's great news! And, I've also learned that at age 35 women experience a steep decline in fertility rates, so at least we're getting started a whole month before my 35th b-day. It's already been an emotionally up and down experience, and I know that will only increase, but I'm just so thankful that I feel like the captain of my own destiny and that together Rachel and I can truly build a life together, deciding just what that means to us. Choosing a sperm donor was an unexpectedly empowering moment.